Thanks for the Memories

 I like to touch base every so often and log my very wonderful group. Last night was one of the best we have ever had. I thank the Maker all the time for having so many truly ultra high quality friends. They are very precious to me.

What is odd to me is that I have this self destructive streak that cherishes being alone and bitter and yet I am surounded by so many warm souls who reach out and pull me from my dark corners just so I can spend time with them. If I didn't have them would I try so hard to purposely brood in dispair? Are those feelings even valid?

I am such a fraud. What can be dumber than being faux emo?

I don't like to question my inner nature too much though. Sometimes it is better to just be true to yourself.

I had a friend who went on a journey of self discovery that involved hopping freight trains from Florida to Texas living like a hobo, relying on the charity of others, hitchiking, sleeping under freeways and all that. The catch was that he had just inherited $200K a few months prior and was on the verge of getting a $95K job in New York. When he told me this tale all I could think of was, How destitute are you really if you can pick up a phone and have several grand wired in when it gets difficult. Did he *really* learn anything valuable with this pretend vow of poverty?

Well it was a good conversation over beer anyway.

(I apologize for the blurry phone. I wanna get the LG Touch next. The camera is supposed to be alot better.)

Lojack for Vaginas

 Доверяй, но проверяй

Ronald Reagan loved to tell the Soviet Union his favorite Russian saying, "Trust but verify." It made sense in a time when belligerence in diplomacy was the only thing that could bring the Cold War superpowers to the negotiating table and prevent a third world war. But does that same sentiment work in a relationship?

The main purpose of this new product is to allow men to keep track of their wandering women. With a simple click you can home in on your woman's GPS coordinates and know where she may be dropping these panties. After being both the cheater and the cheatee I understand the need to know things about your woman that may be hidden. You want to believe what she says but sometimes there are doubts. In the old days you would hire a private detective. Today, with technology like this at an affordable price, you don't have to wonder.

My question is, If you don't trust your woman when she is out of your sight, why keep her at all?

Longing to Drown

Nine Inch Nails "The Great Below"

Staring at the sea
Will she come?
Is there hope for me
After all is said and done
Anything at any price
All of this for you
All the spoils of a wasted life
All of this for you
All the world has closed her eyes
Tired faith all worn and thin
For all we could have done
And all that could have been

Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

And I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away

When everything seems to be going my way I can still feel my dread standing behind me like a ghost. Waiting to pull me down. Waiting to consume my positive progress. I don't want to stand in the daylight. I don't want to be encouraged and affirmed. I don't want to breathe. End this tiring effort to keep my head above water. Finally take my rest.

Sounds silly and melodramatic and it is so I laugh at myself for feeling this. But when the joke subsides I can still feel that undertow. Drowning my happiness. Muffling my thoughts. Obscuring the sun.

The odd thing is that I can understand these feelings and disconnect them from my own reality (do they really have a valid cause?) and yet they are still there. I can be objective and rational and deconstruct and undermine them and still they remain. It's always been this way for me. I wonder if it always will.

Asian Trophy Golddiggers

I don't know what disturbs me exactly about this: The New Trophy Wives: Asian Women

Apparently the trend among the rich and famous (and really old) is to have not only a much younger trophy wife, but a trophy wife who is Asian.

I did some surfing and listed out the couples described in the article.

Producer Brian Grazer and concert pianist Chau-Giang Thi Nguyen

CBS head Leslie Moonves and TV news anchor Julie Chen

Media baron Rupert Murdoch and Wendi Deng

Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim

Venture capitalist Vivi Nevo and Chinese actress Ziyi Zhang

The article describes this as the Woody Allen effect. Supposedly his success marrying the much younger and obviously devoted Soon-Yi Previn has inspired other wealthy old white men to seek their own devoted Asian arm candy.

Why does this bother me? It happens with white trophy wives all the time. It is de rigueur among that class of men. The appeal of the younger woman is obvious. And the appeal of a rich old white man, while less clear to me, makes perfect sense for them. I can see what they get out of it. But somehow this article made my brow furrow and left me confused.

If I take a stab at why I am perplexed I might say that I thought Asian women were above this. Actually let me expand that. I thought non-white, non-American women were above this. I thought the structure of foreign cultures insulated them the vulgar pursuit of money for its own sake. How in the world can a young attractive woman look at a wrinkled old ugly white man and swoon? I doubt it has anything to do with looks. Dial down these hideous men's facial and bodily features to something worse (Woody Allen naked?? yuck) and I bet these matchups would still occur.

I never thought white women had high standards to begin with so I never thought much of them. And for foreigner poor women who are desperate for a better life or a green card it makes sense for them to do what it takes to survive. They cannot afford to be picky about looks. But in this list all the women were independent before their marriages and some were already well off. So what is it?

Is it just money? If not that, then what?

If you ignore the women and just look at these men but replace their positions with that of an auto-mechanic, how many of you ladies would be after them then???

Ugh, I am getting nauseous.

[[Edit]]

It has been pointed out that Nicholas Cage really doesn't belong on this list. He is still close to his prime and isn't a creaking dinosaur like the others. He may have a hairline that is trying desperately to run away from his face but he is in pretty good shape and is still more or less in the limelight. So this essay really doesn't apply to him.

Islands in the Mind

There are only two places I feel totally complete and content: church and when I am listening to music.

With headphones or in my car or at a concert I lose myself, and my melodramatic relationship issues disappear. I've tried to accomplish this tranquil state in other ways and it always fails. Talking about my emotional problems helps my understanding but it doesn't soothe. Drugs and alcohol help dull my pain but they always wear off and the financial and physical cost is high. Only church and music allow me to embrace my current state as it is in a meaningful way. No questions, no judgement, no reflections, just a pure state of being.

If you listen to Björk in this interview, which I have posted before but just rewatched, then you will see how she views music in her life. There is some other level of mental functioning that music takes me to that can provide clarity, ease catharsis, inspire, and calm. She gets it and I get her music.

When I don't understand this world, which is most of the time, at least I know I can escape to my own internal paradise, where what I think of other people and what they think of me doesn't matter. My refuge miles away from the mainland of crass humanity that cannot hear and has nothing to offer but silence.

We are going to see The Horrors on the 24th and The Psychedelic Furs on the 26th. Sometimes life is good.